Control freak?

Last night I took a well needed break and accepted an invitation to dinner with a new acquaintance and her childhood friend and his mate from high-school. I’ve only spent time with S at work so I was excited to get to know her better and I’d never met her friends before so this was bound to be an interesting night.

I dressed up smart but still a bit relaxed. I wanted to look great but feel comfortable. I was a bit nervous since they speak a different language than me. We are from neighboring countries and the languages have their similarities but it’s still really difficult to understand it all. But we ended up having a great night in spite of the language barrier! We actually had some really good laughs because of the language difficulties.

Dinner turned to drinks and drinks turned to dancing. It felt great. I got a lot of attention from one of the guys from dinner and some looks from a few guys in the bar and on the dance floor. It was nice but I wasn’t interested. I mean at 4 am in the morning, with a few shots in everyone’s systems I just see lots of people in the pursuit of getting laid. It’s pretty off-putting if you ask me.

When the guy from dinner wanted to pour me another glass of champagne I had to say no. I know when to stop drinking. He asked me why.

Me: “I don’t like to lose control”

Him: “So you need to be in control?”

Me: “Yes”

My answer made me realize this about myself. I want control. Then I suddenly thought that maybe I’m stiff. I wonder if that’s a bad thing. Maybe I need to loosen up a little. Maybe I’m too uptight. Maybe that’s why I have trouble finding the right man. Because I need to be in control all the time…

Or maybe I want to be in control but crave a love that makes me lose control willingly, lets me be myself, a love that consumes me and makes me let go completely.



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