While taking a brisk walk through one of my favorite parks, I couldn’t hide my smile. I’m usually pretty melancholic on the days after a night shift, mostly due to lack of sleep and an urge to just devour every sweet thing that comes into view. (On these days I tend to watch most of those Rom-Coms… read previous post if you’re curious.)
But today I just felt happy. I had managed to wake up early so the sun was still up and it was a beautiful sunset on the horizon. The air was crisp. There were a lot of people walking their dogs and they were running around playing in the snow and living in the moment. Radiating pure joy.
I’ve been away from my family for a few weeks now. Working in another city. And I started to think about them during my walk. Especially my parents who recently got divorced, sold our family house and started to live separate lives. I’m sure it was hard for them both, but I think it’s for the best. Mind, this post is not about all the sadness and anger we’ve been through, but about the love I feel for them despite of that.
I’ve carried a lot of anger in the past towards my father for a lot of reasons while I was living in an abusive relationship. He can still be childishly stubborn sometimes. And that can drive me crazy. But we now have a better relationship than we’ve ever had before. Talking about feelings was impossible for my dad before. Now he calls me when he’s upset and he can no longer hide his blushing face telling me about this woman who’s apparently got a crush on him. I think it’s sweet. And I cherish this new relationship that we have.
My mother has made a lot of choices that I don’t agree with. And some of the choices I’m still trying to forgive. Like when she one day just decided she wasn’t needed anymore and we all could live without her. She tried to take her life. My younger brother found her in the living room unconscious and had to call an ambulance. I can’t imagine what was going through his mind at that moment. I have a hard time forgiving her for what she put my brother through, what she put us all through. I was scared to death and angry as hell. But she wasn’t well and she needed psychiatric care.
I can still feel resentment towards my mother for cheating on my father. Knowing my mother well (she can’t hide secrets very well, at least not from me) I got suspicious and after a while she confessed to me. My siblings don’t know. And it’s not my secret to tell.
But I love my mother. And I love my father. We are all humans, and humans are bound to make mistakes. I’m not a perfect daughter, I’ve hurt them too, and they still love me unconditionally. Everyone deserves second chances. So even though I thought about all these hurtful memories, I wasn’t upset today. I smiled.
Because I love my crazy, stupid and childish parents.