I just recently learned that my ex boyfriends dream came true.
My immediate thought was “It’s not fair! He doesn’t deserve it!” Then I got angry, and sad and I suddenly felt inferior and my confidence just dropped to the bottom of the sea in an instant.
Then I got angry again. But this time I got angry at myself and my own reaction. I thought I was a bad person for not being able to be happy for someone when they are successful. How can I let this this affect me so much after almost 6 years? It was as if all the past emotions during our time together came rushing forward again, like they’ve never been gone, just locked in and buried somewhere. The security code must have been simple and easily cracked, ’cause the feelings where now out of the cage and they consumed me completely.
It took so little to feel like this again and I was really upset. I thought I’d been able to get rid of all those negative thoughts about myself and I felt worthless and small, like I used to when we were together. It felt as if everything I’d accomplished since then didn’t matter. He was now in Hollywood, living his dream, and I was here… doing what? I’m no one. Just a wet little spot in the mud that he had stepped on.
I felt horrible for a couple of days dealing with my conflicting thoughts. My resolve was to just let me feel bad for a while, it would pass. Then I managed to fight my way through the dark thoughts and come back to being the present me again. The present me whom I’m proud of and know deserves so much more.