I’m a single girl. Have been for 6 years this coming summer. OMG 6 years! Never thought I would be single for this long! I feel like a girl, a teenager still, but my age in numbers suggest that I’m actually a woman. Eh… panic!
I enjoy a lot in my life as single. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want it. I have my own apartment and I’ve never had any problems being alone. I need alone time to feel good, to recharge. It’s nice being able to choose, I’m very social and love being with friends but I need both.
After I broke up with my abusive boyfriend of 5 years I only felt relief. Mentally I had already left ages ago therefore I had no mourning time afterwards. The only thing I mourned was the time wasted and the pain I’d caused my family. I fully enjoyed the first two years or so, just being single and I did not want another relationship. I just needed time to heal, to repair my relationships and to find out yet again who I was.
I now know who I am. I am happy. I feel good about myself most of the time. I’m fairly pretty. But how can I find love?
I think I still fear love. A few people have suggested that I don’t really put myself out there. And I think they are right. But how do I do it? I want someone to love, someone who loves me back. Someone who cares for me and never would hurt me.
So how do I overcome this fear? I have no clue how to date or how to flirt. I find it intimidating. I have tried some of the classics, speed-dating, internet dating, going out to the local bar, been to parties… But most of the time I don’t feel comfortable. I withdraw as soon as anyone shows any interest. I don’t give people a chance, always think that I attract the guys that I don’t want to date. The ones I don’t fancy.
I have a confession to make. Last summer I had sex for the first time after I broke up with my boyfriend. That means 5 years without sex! That’s almost celibacy! So embarrassing! Of course I’ve wanted to have sex, I’m human! But I’ve never been a girl who could just easily do it. And as time passed the more I started being scared of having sex with someone new again. But this summer I overcame my fear and I’m proud of myself. It was a one night stand, my first ever. I never thought I could do it but it just kind of happened naturally.
He was enticing, said I was beautiful, sexy and we had a lot of laughs. I knew I wasn’t interested in him as a boyfriend, he just made me feel good about myself and I felt strangely confident. He invited me over to his and I knew where this was going. The thing is I’d known him for like 5 hours, I knew and I wanted to… so I went. That’s a totally new feeling to me! The sex wasn’t fantastic but the experience was great, I just felt that I’d overcome one of these obstacles.
So now I know I’ve still “got it”. Now I just have to find the man who I’d want to lay in bed with forever…