Sometimes the thoughts and feelings pass through my mind like clouds rolling over the winds and difference in air pressure in the sky. You can not stop it from happening only watch as one cloud passes over your head as another one takes its place. It’s hard to separate them and even harder to know where to start, where one begins and where one ends.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep this past week but I feel more touchy-feely today. As I often do when I’m working night shifts, gather energy watching romantic movies in the sofa, I got thinking about my own love life. Well I’m single and have been for more years than I’d like to admit. Of course I yearn for the closeness one feel with a lover, I just haven’t found him yet. I had a boyfriend, we went out for 5 years, lived together for almost two.
I remember how it felt when I fell in love with him. I thought I had a fewer for days, I couldn’t eat or sleep. We talked on the phone for eight hours straight during the nights. He was handsome, charming, different, masculine and little of a badboy. He had dimples, I remember thinking it was beautiful. I also remember the small warning signs that popped up in my head from time to time but I pulled out the electrical cord, ignoring it completely. I was in love.
We had five difficult years, it was destructive, I should have left him early, but I didn’t. I’m partly to blame of course. It takes two right? It changed me. I have my scars and fears because of it. I have that baggage no one wants or wants to hear about. I’ve healed, it’s in the past. But now when I’ve got the distance from it all, I feel the need to talk, well write, about it. My family never talks about it, it’s like it never happened. My friends never understood me, they said they would never take it, they would have left as soon as they saw the signs. It sometimes felt like they looked at me and thought “is she stupid?” Well maybe I was, I can’t really explain or understand it myself.
I was never physically abused. “Only” verbally, emotionally and I think sometimes even sexually. You couldn’t see any bruises on my skin, no split lip, no swelling. No one could really see what I was hiding behind that smile.
My father knew the second he laid eyes on him. He never approved of him. It nearly destroyed our relationship. I didn’t listen because he expressed his worry with anger, restrictions, hatred and hard words. I thought it was racism. They had different religious backgrounds. I was a teenager and in love, of course it had the opposite effect on me. That way my dad pushed me even closer to my boyfriend and further away from him.
Love is hard…